why are parent's love just so freaking hard to get. All I really wanted was my mother's love but she alway makes me feel so broken, using her words to beat me up. Always saying mean things that are so freaking hurtful, doing all the small action to make me feel SMASH inside. I'm not like other girl who always feel so sure of everything they own, of who they're gonna be. sometimes i feel so alone, trying to fit in where i don't belong.
Don't really understand why my mum like to say mean words or do mean things to hurt my pride. I'm really sick of my life, why is it so god damn hard to ask for a loving mum. she's alway making me feel whatever i do is wrong, alway making me feel i not good enough for her to love me. Alway makes me feel so hideous and so stupid in her eyes. Whatever i say i wanna do she will mock at me. she's always so scare of me wasting her money, saying things like " i don't want to sent you over board to study, can't even get good results I'm very scare you will waste my money and i need to save money to let your brother study, his gonna be a doctor" ARHG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!her words are always ringing in my head, sometimes i feel like disappearing somewhere. she's always not trusting me, always thinking I'm not deserving. All that she knows to do is to demoralize me.
As much as i want to believe she really loves me a lot but the pain inside in just so unbearable. How come she doesn't know what she's doing is breaking me apart. she just hurts me so badly, I'm tired of my life, i feeling so in between but nothing can make me feel better, nobody can help me. i didn't ask to be born not as smart as my brother or not as good as him.
other people alway says is not like this, a mother loves both of her children but how come it just doesn't feels this way at all.
how come it just hurts so so much, as hard as it already is i don't even know how to express how i feel inside to anybody.
There's already so many problem outside. With all these i feel i don't fit in be it inside or outside of house.
Today's plan later I 'm going out to
ytd when out with wanzi to go get her X'mas present aNd i brought her bikini, den after tt we rush down to kat hse and we went down town east to see Quarantine..was kind of boring at first but was exciting at the back over all it was a gd movie...
~End of 1st dec '08~
today was staying at home the whole day...anyway this holidays did go out and fun and stuff but donno why not really happy..actually this holiday was kind of shagg really no holiday mood at all june holiday was more fun and laughter..anyway this fri I can't go malaysia SHAGG cos my passport exp le ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my only holiday day trip is gone super hate it can...I REALLY WANNA GO!!!!!!!!!!! SIAN sian SIAN!!! hope holis for the rest of dec will be better but i doubt so...hais` WISH RESULT CAN BE OUT SOON I WANNA GO POLY PARY HARD!
